I've been thinking a lot about expectations lately. In my life, expectations have always been for someone else. I expect little and therefore I'm rarely disappointed, which is a comfortable place to live, but doesn't make for a very satisfying life.
So how do you raise your expectations? How do you become that writer who expects to have every story published and become a best selling author? My family laughs at my writing. I hear, "Oh yeah, Mom's little hobby." constantly. And at first it was a hobby, I wrote to escape my everyday. Writing was a way to deal with those things in life that are difficult to understand. Writing allows you to control the outcome, for better or worse.
But something amazing happened, I was actually published and people noticed. And I wondered, can I expect this to continue or will I just fall flat on my face? Is this small gift something I can believe in, that I actually might be good at? I tamped down the expectations. After all, expectations can only hurt you, strip you of any dignity you might have, right?
I kept writing, submitting. Oh, I got slowed down by rejection, the scoff of family members about not making money. A husband's demand that I stop writing that weekly column because he was tired of people talking about it, stopped me dead in my tracks. I quit submitting and went back to the privacy of my writing closet.
With my first computer though, I discovered an online community of writers. People who encouraged, who taught, who took the time to lend a helping hand and I allowed myself to begin submitting again. Building my writing sentence by sentence and story by story. Even here, I've had people make snide comments about my belief in short stories, telling me that I'm just a coward because I don't write novels. But I'm learning to ignore those voices, to keep writing what I believe in, to tell the stories that exist inside of me. And I'm learning to believe in expectations. And in myself as a writer.
21 comments:
It's amazing how people who care about you can sure squash, or attempt to squash your dreams. I ran into that with my writing too. Wow it hurt. I still don't understand it. Some was jealousy. Some was fear. The rest I just don't know. But it was something I had to do anyway.
Sandra, I was so moved by this. You're such a good writer, and have given so much to the short fiction community through this blog.I rejoice that you've been able to shut out the negative voices.
Anyone who disparages short stories vs. novels (or genre vs. literary, or vice versa)is simply ignorant. We're all writers; we need to support each other. End of story.
Sandra, you're a great writer.
Yes, Charles, I think all writers have that spark inside that requires they write, no matter what.
I agree, Anita, writers need to support each other in spite of our differences in genre, or form we choose to write.
Thanks, Paul!
Wonderful post, Sandra. Such an important subject.
My grandfather found one of my stories online. His only comment/question about this was: "Are you making any money at it?"
I find that most people I know don't get why I write. So I don't talk about it.
And on expectations, I definitely do the same thing. Fear of rejection is a powerful thing -- I tend to categorize or limit what I think I'm capable of. I'm getting better with this, but it can be paralyzing if you let it get to you.
Believing in your self as a writer is the hardest but most important thing you will ever do.
Your stories are wonderful and bring happiness to a lot of readers. That has to count for a lot. and those of us who write short fiction believe in you. That has to count, too.
I think Chris hit a central point when he mentioned his grandfather's question, "Are you making any money at it."
I used to try to explain how it isn't about the money, blah, blah. Now I just say, Yes." It shuts them up and leaves me free to write.
I'm so glad you brought up this important topic.
Let's hear it for the online community. I know I've felt nurtured and embraced and sustained and emboldened by those I've met--including you--and it's been very much appreciated.
My parents were incredibly supportive of my writing and would have been tickled to see my stories online. That kind of early support has given me the strength to ignore the people in my life who are not so supportive. @Chris--your grandfather should meet my grandmother who always says that "writing is an avocation not a vocation" and can't really wrap her head around the notion that I sometimes write for no money at all.
I echo Paul--you're a terrific writer and you can tell anyone who scoffs I said so.
Funny how people equate success with the amount of money you make, Chris and Terrie.
It took me a long time to accept the fact that getting a rejection wasn't about me the writer, but about what the editor wanted or needed to fill his spaces. Not taking it personally is a hard lesson to learn but a necessary one.
The online community is great, Katherine. If it weren't for them, I'd have probably folded my tent and gone home long ago.
Hell, yes, on the online community. I, too, have received so much support and made so many friends.
And, yeah, on the rejections, it's especially different being on the editorial side of things. Every publication is looking for a certain something -- as a writer, sometimes you hit that mark, and sometimes you don't.
I am lucky for my husband's complete support but beyond that I don't get much respect from real life people. Stories are--well, exercises and especially those online. I have not learned to live with it and prefer not to mention it to strangers.
No money, no fame. If I were 35, I would try for more. But for now, it will have to do.
I never, and I mean never, introduce myself as a writer.
And as online stories continue to move away from the sort I write, things only grow worse. I may have to move back to the literary community--which is no community. I am glum today. Sorry.
Yes, that's the frustrating part of rejection, Chris, you don't always know why your story wasn't a fit. But you keep sending them out, always trying to crack that one golden market that evades you.
I know what you mean, Patti, mine aren't always a fit with the online markets either. And most people think you're wasting your time writing shorts instead of novels. But unless you're consistantly on the NYT best seller list I don't think the pay is much better than what you get for shorts on a per word basis.
One of my all-time favorite movie quotes was, "I did it for the love but I was not above the money." And if you're not even feeling the love, it's no fun at all.
My sales are ... sporadic ... enough that if someone says, "I'm going to buy the book" I can see that he or she actually bought it. And that's nice. And I am thrilled to pieces when people I don't actually know leave a comment or take the time to write a review.
That can keep me going for a long time. But then there are days when I wonder if there's still time to go to law school like my brother did. He's a sole practitioner, he'd take me on as a partner.
Your blog has been an encouragement to such as me...lest you think otherwise. I have found no other community in life like that of other writers to be found here online. Thanks for speaking your truth.
The only way to deal with skeptics is to say, "Do you breathe? Is there any money in it?" It's the same thing.
Ron, I like that--equating writing with breathing. It feels that way to me too.
I love that quote, Katherine! Getting those little notes of encouragment from readers always makes my day because after me, they're the ones I write for. And that small pat on the back helps keep the writing fires burning.
Breathing, that pretty much sums it up, Ron.
I have concluded that some of the people who belittled my writing did so out of a misguided concern for me. They wanted to spare me a greater disappointment later on, after I had invested a great deal of labor and hope in a doomed effort. Of course, we all know it's our decision to make.
And like Terrie, when they ask the money question, I always answer, "Yes." Nobody needs to know how much or how little.
No rejection here, Sandra. Ever!
Sandra, I'm sorry you've run into such distinctly unhelpful reactions. I know I'm lucky; my girlfriend couldn't possibly be more supportive.
Someone said you're a "coward" for writing short stories instead of novels? That makes no sense. Do they think writing a good short story is easy?
Rejection still hurts sometimes, but it means you're in the game. Never give up.
Unless I've missed it, Sandra, no one has yet commented on your original questions: "So how do you raise your expectations? How do you become that writer who expects to have every story published and become a best selling author?"
When we first begin writing we are filled with hope and desire. Unless we have massive egos or trouble comprehending reality, we begin with limited expectations. We hope to get a story published. We desire to get a story published. But we don't expect to get a story published.
Our expectations rise with experience and success.
For example, after you've written several stories and seen a couple of them published, your expectations will rise. Rather than merely hoping that you'll get a story published, your expectations may rise to the point where you expect to see one out of twenty published.
As you continue to write and continue to get published, your expectations will continue to rise. At some point you will expect that at least one out of every two stories you write will get published.
Several years and several hundred stories into your writing career you'll expect that most of your stories will be published.
It's been about 35 years since I sold my first short story and I've now sold more than 900 of them. These days I hope to sell every story I write, but I expect to sell at least nine out of every ten.
The expectation of that level of sales isn't ego, but a simple mathematical reality. I've been selling at that level for several years now (and for the past two years have been selling stories faster than I've been writing them, steadily whittling down the stack of unsold stories written in years past).
And so here's how your expectations rise: Continued productivity sustained over time with increasing levels of experience and success.
Yes, they seem to want to keep us from heartache if we don't succeed, but wouldn't it be nice if they had a bit more confidence in our abilities :)
Sometimes I think we're slammed with roadblocks in order to see just how committed we are, Manuel. If it wasn't a struggle, the rewards wouldn't be quite so sweet. :)
Thank you, Michael! Words of wisdom for all of us following in your footsteps.
PS -- If the crime zine world doesn't want stories from Sandra Seamans and Patti Abbott, then I'm out of here.
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