The other day on the Do Some Damage blog Steve Weddle posted about Virginia Woolf's quote about a woman having money and a room of her own in order to write fiction. He spoke about not having a room and how he created a room in his head in order to write. Of course I wanted to tell him how stupid he was, that men can write anywhere without interruption by family members who are in constant need of something. But I stopped myself because in my heart I knew it wasn't true.
It is my truth, but many other writers, both men and women, have the same problem, spouses or partners who can't stand to see them writing. You see when a writer gets lost in their story they tend to wrap themselves into a whole new world and many people just can’t stand the idea of being ignored while the writer slips away into that world.
I believe for most men they’re given the space they need to write, whereas a woman is expected to put other people’s needs above their own. Now, this could just be a generational thing. I see my sons giving their wives room to do the things they want without making them feel guilty. But my husband is a different story. And I live in his world.
It's easy for some people to say get up early or stay up late to write. I tried that. The later I stayed up the later my husband stayed up, if I got up early he suddenly couldn't sleep late. A room of my own? Yep, tried that. Every time I went upstairs to work I found myself running up and down stairs. I have an office downstairs now, but with no door it's definitely not private.
How do I cope? I steal little pieces of time between cooking three meals a day, and baking, and cleaning the house, and taking care of whatever my husband decides he needs at any given moment of the day. Sometimes it's an hour long block of time, other times fifteen minutes. It's not easy, but I still get to write,
And it's not just about having the space and time. For many writers it's those cutting words about wasting time on the computer or what's the point if you're not getting paid. And so you quit for a while, let the partner feel like they've won and then slowly you go back to putting words down, on paper, in your head, and finally at the keyboard.
It isn't just rejection that beats a writer down, it's those loud nagging voices of family that can finally wear you down and make you toss your dreams into a box and close the lid. It makes the idea of "money and a room of one's own" a most pleasurable place to dream about.
13 comments:
Sandra, I'm in almost the exact same situation you are. The husband is disabled, but even if he were not, he'd still want all my time & attention. He has said this many times. I was brought up to be self-sufficient, so this constant togetherness is difficult for me. Next month I'm going by myself to visit family for a few days & can hardly wait. Who knows when I'll be able to do any writing!
You're lucky to get away for a while, maybe you can do some writing while you're visiting?
I have found that getting up an hour before anyone else in the house usually gives me an hour to write. Funny math, that.
Otherwise, if you're like me, you end up having to stop in the middle of a scene to help your son find his shoes or help your daughter find "the good scissors" for a science project that was due yesterday.
I could write once the kids go to bed, but by them I'm so exhausted I just haven't got any energy. So early morning is what helps me carve out the "room" in that way.
I just read my earlier comment again & realized I sound like a whiny baby. I don't have any constructive advice for anyone whose family tends to get in the way of their writing time (big surprise). What works for me sometimes is, when he starts watching a movie on Netflix by himself, I go to my office & write a little bit. He's a good man & I'm lucky, he just likes togetherness more than I do!
I think every writer has to find what works best for them, Steve. I'm always ending in the middle of a scene but then I know where to go when I start again :)
Not whiny, Elizabeth, just frustrated. I think every writer has this perfect vision of writing but life doesn't always let us write in that perfect place. We just write when we can and hope for the best.
If you don't get a break, you're going to wear out or lose your cool, then what good are you to anyone?
Go take your break in a quiet place, like a library or a park, and you get some writing done without interruption, then go home and take better care of the spouse and kids than if you set yourself up for interruptions, frustration, and resentment.
Since my husband has always written, although scholarly stuff, he's been totally supportive of my sharing the same needs for time and a place. I am very lucky, I know.
I would not have been able to do this with kids in the house though so I began once they went off to college. At first it was hard because I had a job and was finishing my degree. But sometimes I think I used time more efficiently when I had little of it.
Good advice, Anonymous.
You're a very lucky lady, Patti! I think it's easier to work when you've got a constant schedule that doesn't change or get disrupted :)
I've managed to balance writing with my other responsibilities, but probably could have written more if time allowed. Still, I have no complaints. It's family that often gives me inspiration to write. And I can be scrubbing toilets and still be plotting my next story.
It's not so much the housework but the jabs about writing that I'm thinking about, Jacqueline. We all have to work around responsibilities but when a spouse or other family member is discouraging or continually interrupting while you're trying to work it wears you down.
I'm lucky to have a supportive spouse. If I let him know I'm writing, he'll leave me alone. Not always leave the room [sigh] but he'll be mostly quiet. And sometimes, like right now, he'll take himself off for a few hours. He's seeing a 3D movie, which my eyes don't let me appreciate, so I get a few hours to myself -- rare since he retired, and treasured.
I know what you mean, though, about moral support. If you'll pardon my saying so, it sounds to me like your husband is deliberately and passive-agressively trying to discourage you from writing, not only with the verbal put-downs about your writing, but getting up when you get up and staying up late when you do, and demanding your attention over and over during those times. :/ Does he realize how fortunate he is to have such a tolerant wife? I hope so. You're a saint to put up with that, and I hope he treasures your tolerance.
Angie
You learn a lot of patience in forty-two years of marriage, Angie. I guess we've both learned to tolerate each others bad habits. But frustration does creep into the mix at times.
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