Do you ever feel like a fraud? Like you've tumbled into a life you never imagined for yourself? Sometimes when I sit down to write I wonder if this will be the best story I ever wrote or just a piece of crap. I read other writers and think, I'll never be that good so why do I bother. Some days writing churns my stomach with frustrations but...I keep going. And the truth is, I have no idea where this compulsion comes from. Why I keep tapping away at the keys and prowling through my character's lives like a Peeping Tom.
I mean, what made me believe that I could ever be a writer in the first place? I'm not a well educated person. I struggle every step of the way with punctuation and grammar, the whole tense thing ties me up in knots and POV? But I keep going, I keep reading and studying but I have this sinking feeling that no matter how long you write, no matter how hard you study, this writing gig doesn't get any easier. If possible, it's probably going to get harder and harder. So why do we do it? Why do we keep writing?
Is it merely ego? Thinking we have something to say that the world should sit up and listen to. Or is it a mental illness? Voices screaming in our heads to be let out into the world. Or is it frustration? Seeing a world that scares the bejesus out of us and trying to make sense of it. What is it about writing that keeps us going against all the odds?
15 comments:
Ah yes, self-doubt inevitably makes the writer his or her own worst frenemy.
Please, the best thing that you could do right now is look at some of your past successes, and you do have them (the majority of us know you for your stories and not your great linkage). See what you did right and you are going to surprise yourself.
"I'm not a well educated person."
Education does play a factor in writing, yet there are autodidactics that can prove otherwise (Edward Bunker off the top of my head). Your ability to be a good storyteller regardless of your background is so much more important, and certainly life experience plays a tremendous role in what a writer has to say (Hemingway didn't bother with college).
You're pondering the "why man creates" mystery. In the broader sense, i think it is something instilled in humans from a creator, putting a desire deep inside us. The outpouring is revealed in architecture, fiction, filmmaking, music, etc. Individually, it gets pretty complicated, as we each wrestle with this "thing" that both amazes and frustrates us.
I forget where i saw this quote. Probably someone's web site. Emile Zola said, "The artist is nothing without gift, but the gift is nothing without work." I think most creative folks will agree it isn't easy. Self doubt is just one of the stumbling blocks along the way and common to most of us. Its a hurdle to be cleared for sure, but also something that can sharpen our efforts.
You stole my life, but I'm not sure I want it back.
JDC
"I read other writers and think, I'll never be that good so why do I bother." Change your reading habits. Read something really bad. Then tell yourself, "Compared to this crap, I'm a freaking genius." It's a great motivator.
"[...] this writing gig doesn't get any easier. If possible, it's probably going to get harder and harder." Actually, if you write enough, it does get easier. You become more comfortable with your voice, you stop second-guessing yourself, and you begin writing cleaner first drafts, leaving you with less work to do in subsequent drafts.
I was going to post something along the lines of what Mr. Bracken quoted in his first paragraph...and then decided to let that paragraph stand as-is.
I've been plagued with doubts a lot this year. Ironically, it's not the doubt that I *can* write; it's doubt that anyone other than me will like what I write. Interestingly, as I'm doing NaNoWriMo mainly as an exercise to create the constant writing habit, I'm remembering how much fun writing can really be. I'm having a ball and, without a doubt, my fun will shine through the text. If it shines through, I'll probably not be the only one who will like it.
I do believe that self-doubt is a bi-product of writing, Cormac. When you're collecting rejection slips on a regular basis it's only natural to doubt. As for the education...I keep studying, I just don't have a degree to hang on the wall and I sure as hell don't write like those MFA students.
I love that quote, Frank! And it does take hard work and a keep-at-it attitude to be a writer.
I'm keeping it, John, so you don't have to worry. I guess this is just an end of year musing of what I've done and what I've accomplished and what it means to be a writer. There's always questions floating around in my head.
Ah, Michael, always the voice of wisdom! The problem is, when I read that crap I wonder why they get published and I don't. It kind of backfires some days.
And I know exactly what you mean, Scott. Some of the stuff I write is so far out there, that I'm sure I'll never find a home for it. And yet, those pieces are the ones that find homes and the ones I'm sure will sell - never do. Go figure. It's no wonder we're plauged with such doubts.
Good heavens, I feel like that every second day. Some days I feel on top of the world, thinking "I can DO this, I can make a career for myself!" and then the next day (or 3 hours later) my husband will find me on the couch, bawling my eyes out because I've convinced myself I'm a fake, I'll never make it, and there's no way I'll ever be good enough.
I think it's just part and parcel of being a writer, or even just in being a person of creativity. You take it as it comes, and try to keep your life as balanced as possible... and take joy in the positive moments. Eventually (and I say this because right now, I feel great), those acceptances will come in and the positives will be closer and closer together until the habit of happiness takes center stage.
Of course, I probably won't believe that tomorrow. I already anticipate a large tub of chocolate icing in my future :)
Self doubt...ugh.
Went through last week when an acquaintence of mine gave me her honest and heartfelt opinion about a story of mine.
Hurt like hell and made me re-examine what I wrote, why I wrote it, and how I write to being with.
But as I stated elsewhere about this very same topic, no matter what, I still write. Either on the computer or by hand, as long as I'm putting words to paper/screen, there isn't nothing that can stop me.
And in the end, isn't that all that really matters?
"When you're collecting rejection slips on a regular basis it's only natural to doubt."
Didn't Hemingway wallpaper his apartment with his letters? Sometimes rejection letters just mean that the story wasn't to the reader's tastes, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the story itself is no good.
"As for the education...I keep studying, I just don't have a degree to hang on the wall and I sure as hell don't write like those MFA students."
That is what is most important, how much you further yourself as a writer and a person. As far as those MFA studens? I have known academics that couldn't properly tell a story or a joke.
Who was one of the most famous writer autodidactics of all time? Dashiell Hammett, he didn't even finish high school.
During their interviews at MWA last year, Sue Grafton and James Lee Burke both addressed the issues you raise and which all of us face.
Grafton said someone once asked her if she ever dealt with fear and insecurity. Her response: Only every day.
Burke, who dealt with years of rejection, said a beginning writer once asked him if he was good enough to keep writing, or if he should give it up. Burke said (not an exact quote): He asked the wrong question. If you're a writer, you don't have a choice. You have to write.
Every word, every sentence you put on the page is a victory over that self-doubt.
Thanks everyone for chiming in, it's most appreciated. And especially nice to know that we're all in the same boat at time. God, I hope it doesn't sink! ;-)
And Joy, a tub of frosting? All that sugar would have me climbing the walls. Potato chips rule at my self-pity parties!:)
I often feel like I'm writing against the tide. And ask myself, should I change the stories I write or look in new places to publish them? Even as I am writing a story, I think-none of the places I know are going to fall in love with this. But for some reason, I can't seem to alter it. I think knowing what the market wants and meeting it is a great asset. I just don't have it.
I just write stories I would like to read and hope one of the few zines who look more widely might take it.
Good post and good responses. Re: Education.
I'm a council house boy who left school at 16 - and I wasn't there a lot before then- with one o -level. There was/is almost no reading in my family - tablod newspapers, mostly. So, why the hell would I think about writing? How very dare I!
But it's always been something that I wanted to do. It took me until last year to start- a little push from Cormac and Keith R helped a lot.
It's getting easier to write but harder to write what I want!
There's always the feelng that everyone's 'better' than you. Some are -some aren't.
Do it for yourself. Just because is a good enough reason, I think.
Self doubt is part of being a writer. I get it often, but then start writing again, even if only in small spurts followed sometimes by larger bursts. Perhaps this urge we writers get to put pen to paper comes from another karmic life.
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